you fire

You spin your fire as if there was no life. I dream my life away.
And so it comes.

You breathe my fire. And those moments are the moments I want to run. Running is the thing I know. Running is the way I practiced for so long.
But I cant stay away. I cant play a game I know so well.

You will know how deep I go.

head in the clouds

I know nothing of the ways you used to be. I only know of fire that you can handle so well. I only know the ways I can come to your soul and stay.

I wonder.
I worry.
I let go.
I know that the only way to stay is to let go.
As I always did. This is the moment. This is the beauty.

All my life I rushed and I wondered. I wanted to burn burn burn. And now I know. Not being together, not having clear lines is as clear as it gets. And that rocks. That puts that silver lining to my silver days. And silver is gray.
There is now white or black magic. There is love. A lot of love that makes me what to fly.

trouble on fire

All this beautiful rain and my choices. I dream. I breathe. I wish it was so much less different. And its beautiful.
I am going out of my mind. I am dying little by little.

Trouble.
You should say its your second name but all I know is your sensitive ways. Your quiet messages and dreams that come true.

I dont want to let you go. Amen.

Fine and chain.

This feeling. Like the one you have before you fall asleep. A church of sleep. A church of everything is different and nothing is the same.
I wait. I waited for so long.
They are making love and sometimes I forget what is desire. If it goes before so many words in the dictionary or if crazy takes first places.

I miss that desire. That feeling of running. Of waking up in a different place, different altitude. Different emotion to breathe. To love. To create what others call life.

And then I understand. I have been running away from that and to that at the same time it was just an empty feeling. Its just a spinning feeling. Its a cycle of nothing new and everything is magic.
Is this what we call content? Am I a woman to wake up and teach the world of joy?

I never know whats behind the drapes. I never knew how to call the dreams that never end up once I wake up. Once I call them names. Once everything is over but still oh-so-real. So I dream more. So I create cities of dreams, of moments, of twinkling ideas. Its like you are one step closer to the sun. And I burn. You cant burn out if you dont taste the fire. Just like that.

My dreams now are of fire. Dreams of different moments in the same life. Reincarnation of the soul at once.


All those stories. All those women within me.
DOnt wake me up.

fire

I wonder how does this happen. How feelings and emotions just stop existing. Leaving you all empty. All alone. All so abandoned. All so wishing for more. For outside this space and outside this time. And it only makes sense with someone else even if you have made your bed, you have made your choice and it is still haunting you.

I wonder wonder now how life is so full and so empty at the same time. I dream of mornings that dont wake me up with longing. Longing for more. Longing for deeper things. For better people. For people who stay. WHo dream. Who wake up next to you and dont want to leave.

People who travel with you accross the oceans. Accross the seas. Accross your own imagination and dreams.


She says after smelling the flowers - I will tell him ----
I am a runner. I wonder if I could. I wonder if I should because its all I long for. Someone to belong to and someone to run far away with.

I make love to you. I make all the dreams come true. I realize how little I know about the fire that you burn. How little do you know about the circus that I grew up at.
And yet -- it is still the hat that fits. For now. The fire is burning.

Changes

This room is getting smaller. I dream.
I dream of something to come.

Its too late to go back. The only way is forward. The only way is up. I dream of you. Of your skin touching mine. And it makes me - if - just a little happier. Just a little more content. A little less suicidal.
I want to believe in something I was so scared of. And so aware of.


Dont jump if you dont know how to swim. I never did. I always drowned.
I drowned and was always brought to the shores by other forces.
Magic.



Never real life.





Its time to build a new reality.

Blow me away.

You should have told me. I was out to know. Sleepless nights are only worth it when you can smile leaving to meet the new morning.

I am looking forward to facing my past. Past that dragged into the present. Past that never managed to let me go though it helped to know what it is to be on the other side of the bed.

I apologise for I have not considered so much. For dreams that you wanted me to have but never gave me space to blossom with them.

I live in longing, in conststant tiresome idea of tomorrow. It haunts me. I hear its footsteps at night. Its heavy cold touch, carress...

I wake up cold sweat. I wake up again and again and I dont even know if its because I cant sleep or because I am too scared to miss out on the night.

It will come.

The past once again.

Heart it.

When you just fall in love, that moment, that very special moment when you are high on emotions, when the world shrinks to the size of the room you are in or the size of the hug that holds you...

That moment.. no one ever tells you how difficult it becomes later.

Or, if they do, you would never let yourself believe that.

Because you are high. On emotions, on dreams, on anticipation. And you want the world to stop. You want to breathe your lover, to consume your lover and never let go of that drug. And its all worth anything and everything that you know it would take to stay there, in that void that leaves you wanting for more.

And its beautiful. And its all worth it. And all I want to always reminding myself - thats how it should remain.

Through thin and through thick.

And its not so easy in the end. It requires passion and patience, dreaming and determination, wanting and willing, love and letting go.

I want to dream with it. I want to dream within but there is that void that keeps filling up and keeps keeping it all separate. And all you need is to have faith. And repeat the magic words: love must go on.

You got me.

I smoke the first cigarette after all this time.
In a balcony that is soon to be mine. Its been so long.
How do I get so lucky....and so miserable at the same time. I dream and I crave for those dreams to come true. I dream and I should know better.

Everything splinters, everything breaks --- this could be the best day of my life. And I hear somewhere in the background -- standing on the edge of forever, at the start of whatever, shouting love at the world...


And now I know - dreams come true. Be careful what you wish for. I wish it was easier, with less struggle, with less fighting.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.

I wonder how and when it all started. With dreams. With premonitions. With thoughts that are yet to come. I am just so curious. I am so interested in this plot. And how and why. I meet a boy. And I crave him.
Flashbacks...

I deserve everything that I made up in my head.
I want to be with you. I want you to be able to handle me. I want you to hug me, to remember my favourite wine, to dream with me and to call unexpectedly. I want to do the same. I want to surprise you and to be surprised. I want to travel with you and to be able to travel alone without feeling guilty. I want to trust you and I want you to trust me.

I want you to once in a while hold my hand when we are driving. I want you to suggest to go to ballet and to wonder for no reason.
I want you to introduce me to your friends and to be proud of me. I want to say it like this - he is my prince charming and not make snobbish comments on top of that.

I miss that. I want to know how it would actually feel.

Not those little bought or cheated moment after which you manage to feel guilty because you can not give me more. Not those moments when I am teased to death to remember how it is like to be in highschool... but those excellent real things I cant wait to be awake for...

I want you to buy me a cupcake just because you know I like to surprised. I want you to take me on long weekends, on long walks and long dreams. Bubble baths and dinners where nothing is of as much importance.

I know you will.