Changes

This room is getting smaller. I dream.
I dream of something to come.

Its too late to go back. The only way is forward. The only way is up. I dream of you. Of your skin touching mine. And it makes me - if - just a little happier. Just a little more content. A little less suicidal.
I want to believe in something I was so scared of. And so aware of.


Dont jump if you dont know how to swim. I never did. I always drowned.
I drowned and was always brought to the shores by other forces.
Magic.



Never real life.





Its time to build a new reality.

Blow me away.

You should have told me. I was out to know. Sleepless nights are only worth it when you can smile leaving to meet the new morning.

I am looking forward to facing my past. Past that dragged into the present. Past that never managed to let me go though it helped to know what it is to be on the other side of the bed.

I apologise for I have not considered so much. For dreams that you wanted me to have but never gave me space to blossom with them.

I live in longing, in conststant tiresome idea of tomorrow. It haunts me. I hear its footsteps at night. Its heavy cold touch, carress...

I wake up cold sweat. I wake up again and again and I dont even know if its because I cant sleep or because I am too scared to miss out on the night.

It will come.

The past once again.

Heart it.

When you just fall in love, that moment, that very special moment when you are high on emotions, when the world shrinks to the size of the room you are in or the size of the hug that holds you...

That moment.. no one ever tells you how difficult it becomes later.

Or, if they do, you would never let yourself believe that.

Because you are high. On emotions, on dreams, on anticipation. And you want the world to stop. You want to breathe your lover, to consume your lover and never let go of that drug. And its all worth anything and everything that you know it would take to stay there, in that void that leaves you wanting for more.

And its beautiful. And its all worth it. And all I want to always reminding myself - thats how it should remain.

Through thin and through thick.

And its not so easy in the end. It requires passion and patience, dreaming and determination, wanting and willing, love and letting go.

I want to dream with it. I want to dream within but there is that void that keeps filling up and keeps keeping it all separate. And all you need is to have faith. And repeat the magic words: love must go on.

You got me.

I smoke the first cigarette after all this time.
In a balcony that is soon to be mine. Its been so long.
How do I get so lucky....and so miserable at the same time. I dream and I crave for those dreams to come true. I dream and I should know better.

Everything splinters, everything breaks --- this could be the best day of my life. And I hear somewhere in the background -- standing on the edge of forever, at the start of whatever, shouting love at the world...


And now I know - dreams come true. Be careful what you wish for. I wish it was easier, with less struggle, with less fighting.