Peace by peace is how I let go of you before I even get close to having any of this.

I cant stop you from coming into my life. Or my thoughts. I cant stop you from being there. I have a picture of you in my book of days and I have my days in your looks.
I wonder, would I be different now if I said no... Would I feel less lost and more happy? Would my books be fuller and my days less jumpy?

I never thought I'd like someone so far away from my reality. I never thought I would have to wash someone off my clothes every night I'd come home from their castles... I know now and I smile now. I dream.
I scream at night and I know -- I grow.
I wake up and it's still real.



And certainly I cant stop you from staying. You are already here. I just need to let you go to make sure you come back.

Full moon. Full cycle. Full days.


And you know what I wonder about when I talk to you here (because I am certain you can hear me!)..?! I wonder if my dreams are as real as my reality. And I cant wait. Because I know. I want the real thing. I want the real real feeling, and I know, no matter what distance I walk, it will only count if you are there on the other end.
Otherwise its just as usual.

The game I know how two play. Two men and a sweet little girl. I need to let you go to get you.

Because everything has to be balanced.

And I give myself permission to be me. Thats alright because I am too far in in this magic. And I cant even tell you all about it.

I am in flight.

You are in waiting.


Is it all the same? Is it gonna happen within? You show me pictures. I just watch.

And that's alright. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't make me wish for the life you had.

I've not been here before.

And that is so refreshing. Look -- this is me. The way I got. After all the break-ups, break-throughs... heart-breaks. Its a different game. I can still walk away. Still can.

lucid dreams

Are you kidding me?
Really? Is this the life and is this how it goes? Really?



I wish I was awake. I was afraid, I was petrified.. I am still looking for all those answers, for all those cute details.

Is it all about me?!...

Is it all about secrets, games, perplexed minds?
Or is it about you? About them (whoever they may be)?...






I wish. I wish this was a cutest ever lucid dream, my dearling.
Cara mia.
Save me all the pain. I want this to be real.

and here I go again?

and here they come again?
oh really? and i never wanted anything from you. except everything you had and what was left after that too.... i cant believe sometimes how life works. i have to check, to pinch, to measure -- the pulse, the breathing, the rythm...

And here I am in this waiting room for tomorrow. Where the night never sleeps and the day never waits. I know now how to handle the fear. I know now how to tame the beast.

They say things happen for a reason.

Or is this our own hearts trying to convince ourselves that whatever happens we are not wasting our times with prejudice about how useless it all is?
Is it not?
Say you dream about life with other kind of limits, other kinds of red lines to be crossed... What then? Is it better just to walk away from everything you've got and expect for something else?
What if you have done that already?....

I do wonder where is that line I wanted to cross once in a blue moon?... Did it sinck with my young dreams and never published poems...?. Did it stay with my lost luggage and never appeared to be found or even repaid by insurance company?

what if.....

And you know what?! WHy is it such a bad idea.. I am only this age and only this big and only that tall and only this annoying.
I want to feel what you advertise!
I want to be what you tell me to be
because then I am certain I will be 100% happier, 100% more beautiful and all much more in love and loved by my man. Or even if I don't have one just now, I will certainly meet one. May it be at a coffee shop or a bus stop, office or at a party.. its gonna be amazing. Amazing and out of this world experience.. and you know it.

I know though that after certain age you are being called ma'aam and madam. It pisses me off. It makes me want to change so many things about this world...
And what if I dont want to have kids?
What if I am ok the way I am --- I am ok to rent my flat, to be happy hear and not want to own any single thing?!...

What if I am happy just the way I am anyways?!

And what if I want to listen to those stupid songs and to actually dance naked in my house.. what if I want to have that feeling in my heart --- I simply dont know -- I simply dont know whats gonna happene. What if that hunk that makes me so happy now is going to stick around. I cant say it now one way or the other..



Sometimes I certainly dont know whats the point, whats the idea..
What if I dont know if I want to have kids.
Or husbands.
Or divorces for that matter....


dont you just miss that feeling?!?!? ---------------












freedom.

honest

Hey there! How are you? Its been a while.. I missed you. I missed being honest. I want to be honest. I want to pour my heart into that cup. If only it could hold it.
But I will try.

I always do anyways... anythin that might hold my heart

I am sure you remember. I keep smiling, I keep going and still know my boyfriend cheated on me. I know he told me. Just the next morning. I know I made decision to go through with it. To walk stright into my fear. To walk stright into something I thought nothing would happen to me. I know it hurt that time I know it still does. I know. Even though I love him. Even though I am so certain the wound is healing.
Is till feel that emptyness. I still feel that hollow sense of something so foreign I can hardly grasp.
Let me tell you about love.
Its something I think should come without condition, without reason or sense. And stay. Because right here, right now -- I know this love is something I am so full of. Half fun. Never half empty. And I wonder. I keep wonder -- how much longer all my wounds and all my fears are gonna follow me.


And yet again..
yes again I know it's something that within me. I was told yesterday -- why do you call it a hole. The name make a clown. And I shouldn't.
I should be happy.
I should be loved.
I am loved.
I am love.


I wonder and I sink. I sink into you. I try.

I try so really hard.

To stop. To stop myself.
To not do this again.
And again.
And again.
But I do.
But we do.
And it's all so so worth it.

I'd die for love, I know. I'd die for silly things. I've died for silly things. I've given myself up. I've given myself away.
And I am still here.
And I am still breathing.
Breathing into you.



Save me. Before it's too late. Safe me because I know I've saved myself.