Blow me away.

You should have told me. I was out to know. Sleepless nights are only worth it when you can smile leaving to meet the new morning.

I am looking forward to facing my past. Past that dragged into the present. Past that never managed to let me go though it helped to know what it is to be on the other side of the bed.

I apologise for I have not considered so much. For dreams that you wanted me to have but never gave me space to blossom with them.

I live in longing, in conststant tiresome idea of tomorrow. It haunts me. I hear its footsteps at night. Its heavy cold touch, carress...

I wake up cold sweat. I wake up again and again and I dont even know if its because I cant sleep or because I am too scared to miss out on the night.

It will come.

The past once again.

Heart it.

When you just fall in love, that moment, that very special moment when you are high on emotions, when the world shrinks to the size of the room you are in or the size of the hug that holds you...

That moment.. no one ever tells you how difficult it becomes later.

Or, if they do, you would never let yourself believe that.

Because you are high. On emotions, on dreams, on anticipation. And you want the world to stop. You want to breathe your lover, to consume your lover and never let go of that drug. And its all worth anything and everything that you know it would take to stay there, in that void that leaves you wanting for more.

And its beautiful. And its all worth it. And all I want to always reminding myself - thats how it should remain.

Through thin and through thick.

And its not so easy in the end. It requires passion and patience, dreaming and determination, wanting and willing, love and letting go.

I want to dream with it. I want to dream within but there is that void that keeps filling up and keeps keeping it all separate. And all you need is to have faith. And repeat the magic words: love must go on.

You got me.

I smoke the first cigarette after all this time.
In a balcony that is soon to be mine. Its been so long.
How do I get so lucky....and so miserable at the same time. I dream and I crave for those dreams to come true. I dream and I should know better.

Everything splinters, everything breaks --- this could be the best day of my life. And I hear somewhere in the background -- standing on the edge of forever, at the start of whatever, shouting love at the world...


And now I know - dreams come true. Be careful what you wish for. I wish it was easier, with less struggle, with less fighting.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.

I wonder how and when it all started. With dreams. With premonitions. With thoughts that are yet to come. I am just so curious. I am so interested in this plot. And how and why. I meet a boy. And I crave him.
Flashbacks...

I deserve everything that I made up in my head.
I want to be with you. I want you to be able to handle me. I want you to hug me, to remember my favourite wine, to dream with me and to call unexpectedly. I want to do the same. I want to surprise you and to be surprised. I want to travel with you and to be able to travel alone without feeling guilty. I want to trust you and I want you to trust me.

I want you to once in a while hold my hand when we are driving. I want you to suggest to go to ballet and to wonder for no reason.
I want you to introduce me to your friends and to be proud of me. I want to say it like this - he is my prince charming and not make snobbish comments on top of that.

I miss that. I want to know how it would actually feel.

Not those little bought or cheated moment after which you manage to feel guilty because you can not give me more. Not those moments when I am teased to death to remember how it is like to be in highschool... but those excellent real things I cant wait to be awake for...

I want you to buy me a cupcake just because you know I like to surprised. I want you to take me on long weekends, on long walks and long dreams. Bubble baths and dinners where nothing is of as much importance.

I know you will.

Peace by peace is how I let go of you before I even get close to having any of this.

I cant stop you from coming into my life. Or my thoughts. I cant stop you from being there. I have a picture of you in my book of days and I have my days in your looks.
I wonder, would I be different now if I said no... Would I feel less lost and more happy? Would my books be fuller and my days less jumpy?

I never thought I'd like someone so far away from my reality. I never thought I would have to wash someone off my clothes every night I'd come home from their castles... I know now and I smile now. I dream.
I scream at night and I know -- I grow.
I wake up and it's still real.



And certainly I cant stop you from staying. You are already here. I just need to let you go to make sure you come back.

Full moon. Full cycle. Full days.


And you know what I wonder about when I talk to you here (because I am certain you can hear me!)..?! I wonder if my dreams are as real as my reality. And I cant wait. Because I know. I want the real thing. I want the real real feeling, and I know, no matter what distance I walk, it will only count if you are there on the other end.
Otherwise its just as usual.

The game I know how two play. Two men and a sweet little girl. I need to let you go to get you.

Because everything has to be balanced.

And I give myself permission to be me. Thats alright because I am too far in in this magic. And I cant even tell you all about it.

I am in flight.

You are in waiting.


Is it all the same? Is it gonna happen within? You show me pictures. I just watch.

And that's alright. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't make me wish for the life you had.

I've not been here before.

And that is so refreshing. Look -- this is me. The way I got. After all the break-ups, break-throughs... heart-breaks. Its a different game. I can still walk away. Still can.

lucid dreams

Are you kidding me?
Really? Is this the life and is this how it goes? Really?



I wish I was awake. I was afraid, I was petrified.. I am still looking for all those answers, for all those cute details.

Is it all about me?!...

Is it all about secrets, games, perplexed minds?
Or is it about you? About them (whoever they may be)?...






I wish. I wish this was a cutest ever lucid dream, my dearling.
Cara mia.
Save me all the pain. I want this to be real.

and here I go again?

and here they come again?
oh really? and i never wanted anything from you. except everything you had and what was left after that too.... i cant believe sometimes how life works. i have to check, to pinch, to measure -- the pulse, the breathing, the rythm...

And here I am in this waiting room for tomorrow. Where the night never sleeps and the day never waits. I know now how to handle the fear. I know now how to tame the beast.

They say things happen for a reason.

Or is this our own hearts trying to convince ourselves that whatever happens we are not wasting our times with prejudice about how useless it all is?
Is it not?
Say you dream about life with other kind of limits, other kinds of red lines to be crossed... What then? Is it better just to walk away from everything you've got and expect for something else?
What if you have done that already?....

I do wonder where is that line I wanted to cross once in a blue moon?... Did it sinck with my young dreams and never published poems...?. Did it stay with my lost luggage and never appeared to be found or even repaid by insurance company?

what if.....

And you know what?! WHy is it such a bad idea.. I am only this age and only this big and only that tall and only this annoying.
I want to feel what you advertise!
I want to be what you tell me to be
because then I am certain I will be 100% happier, 100% more beautiful and all much more in love and loved by my man. Or even if I don't have one just now, I will certainly meet one. May it be at a coffee shop or a bus stop, office or at a party.. its gonna be amazing. Amazing and out of this world experience.. and you know it.

I know though that after certain age you are being called ma'aam and madam. It pisses me off. It makes me want to change so many things about this world...
And what if I dont want to have kids?
What if I am ok the way I am --- I am ok to rent my flat, to be happy hear and not want to own any single thing?!...

What if I am happy just the way I am anyways?!

And what if I want to listen to those stupid songs and to actually dance naked in my house.. what if I want to have that feeling in my heart --- I simply dont know -- I simply dont know whats gonna happene. What if that hunk that makes me so happy now is going to stick around. I cant say it now one way or the other..



Sometimes I certainly dont know whats the point, whats the idea..
What if I dont know if I want to have kids.
Or husbands.
Or divorces for that matter....


dont you just miss that feeling?!?!? ---------------












freedom.