just a girl (gone wild)

And now I know.
I never worried about getting here.
It just happened.
As it always does.
I feel in love. I lost it. I dreamt of a beautiful life we could have and then two days later it all went away. I cant believe it. I cant receive it but then again this is the truth.

All those nights all those talks. All those difficult moments. The phone calls. The dreams. The hopes, the fears.

And here I am. Once again. Its the same path.
Its the same idea I cannot swallow.
And then again I feel beautiful.
I need to be loved.

you fire

You spin your fire as if there was no life. I dream my life away.
And so it comes.

You breathe my fire. And those moments are the moments I want to run. Running is the thing I know. Running is the way I practiced for so long.
But I cant stay away. I cant play a game I know so well.

You will know how deep I go.

head in the clouds

I know nothing of the ways you used to be. I only know of fire that you can handle so well. I only know the ways I can come to your soul and stay.

I wonder.
I worry.
I let go.
I know that the only way to stay is to let go.
As I always did. This is the moment. This is the beauty.

All my life I rushed and I wondered. I wanted to burn burn burn. And now I know. Not being together, not having clear lines is as clear as it gets. And that rocks. That puts that silver lining to my silver days. And silver is gray.
There is now white or black magic. There is love. A lot of love that makes me what to fly.

trouble on fire

All this beautiful rain and my choices. I dream. I breathe. I wish it was so much less different. And its beautiful.
I am going out of my mind. I am dying little by little.

Trouble.
You should say its your second name but all I know is your sensitive ways. Your quiet messages and dreams that come true.

I dont want to let you go. Amen.

Fine and chain.

This feeling. Like the one you have before you fall asleep. A church of sleep. A church of everything is different and nothing is the same.
I wait. I waited for so long.
They are making love and sometimes I forget what is desire. If it goes before so many words in the dictionary or if crazy takes first places.

I miss that desire. That feeling of running. Of waking up in a different place, different altitude. Different emotion to breathe. To love. To create what others call life.

And then I understand. I have been running away from that and to that at the same time it was just an empty feeling. Its just a spinning feeling. Its a cycle of nothing new and everything is magic.
Is this what we call content? Am I a woman to wake up and teach the world of joy?

I never know whats behind the drapes. I never knew how to call the dreams that never end up once I wake up. Once I call them names. Once everything is over but still oh-so-real. So I dream more. So I create cities of dreams, of moments, of twinkling ideas. Its like you are one step closer to the sun. And I burn. You cant burn out if you dont taste the fire. Just like that.

My dreams now are of fire. Dreams of different moments in the same life. Reincarnation of the soul at once.


All those stories. All those women within me.
DOnt wake me up.

fire

I wonder how does this happen. How feelings and emotions just stop existing. Leaving you all empty. All alone. All so abandoned. All so wishing for more. For outside this space and outside this time. And it only makes sense with someone else even if you have made your bed, you have made your choice and it is still haunting you.

I wonder wonder now how life is so full and so empty at the same time. I dream of mornings that dont wake me up with longing. Longing for more. Longing for deeper things. For better people. For people who stay. WHo dream. Who wake up next to you and dont want to leave.

People who travel with you accross the oceans. Accross the seas. Accross your own imagination and dreams.


She says after smelling the flowers - I will tell him ----
I am a runner. I wonder if I could. I wonder if I should because its all I long for. Someone to belong to and someone to run far away with.

I make love to you. I make all the dreams come true. I realize how little I know about the fire that you burn. How little do you know about the circus that I grew up at.
And yet -- it is still the hat that fits. For now. The fire is burning.

Changes

This room is getting smaller. I dream.
I dream of something to come.

Its too late to go back. The only way is forward. The only way is up. I dream of you. Of your skin touching mine. And it makes me - if - just a little happier. Just a little more content. A little less suicidal.
I want to believe in something I was so scared of. And so aware of.


Dont jump if you dont know how to swim. I never did. I always drowned.
I drowned and was always brought to the shores by other forces.
Magic.



Never real life.





Its time to build a new reality.

Blow me away.

You should have told me. I was out to know. Sleepless nights are only worth it when you can smile leaving to meet the new morning.

I am looking forward to facing my past. Past that dragged into the present. Past that never managed to let me go though it helped to know what it is to be on the other side of the bed.

I apologise for I have not considered so much. For dreams that you wanted me to have but never gave me space to blossom with them.

I live in longing, in conststant tiresome idea of tomorrow. It haunts me. I hear its footsteps at night. Its heavy cold touch, carress...

I wake up cold sweat. I wake up again and again and I dont even know if its because I cant sleep or because I am too scared to miss out on the night.

It will come.

The past once again.

Heart it.

When you just fall in love, that moment, that very special moment when you are high on emotions, when the world shrinks to the size of the room you are in or the size of the hug that holds you...

That moment.. no one ever tells you how difficult it becomes later.

Or, if they do, you would never let yourself believe that.

Because you are high. On emotions, on dreams, on anticipation. And you want the world to stop. You want to breathe your lover, to consume your lover and never let go of that drug. And its all worth anything and everything that you know it would take to stay there, in that void that leaves you wanting for more.

And its beautiful. And its all worth it. And all I want to always reminding myself - thats how it should remain.

Through thin and through thick.

And its not so easy in the end. It requires passion and patience, dreaming and determination, wanting and willing, love and letting go.

I want to dream with it. I want to dream within but there is that void that keeps filling up and keeps keeping it all separate. And all you need is to have faith. And repeat the magic words: love must go on.

You got me.

I smoke the first cigarette after all this time.
In a balcony that is soon to be mine. Its been so long.
How do I get so lucky....and so miserable at the same time. I dream and I crave for those dreams to come true. I dream and I should know better.

Everything splinters, everything breaks --- this could be the best day of my life. And I hear somewhere in the background -- standing on the edge of forever, at the start of whatever, shouting love at the world...


And now I know - dreams come true. Be careful what you wish for. I wish it was easier, with less struggle, with less fighting.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.

I wonder how and when it all started. With dreams. With premonitions. With thoughts that are yet to come. I am just so curious. I am so interested in this plot. And how and why. I meet a boy. And I crave him.
Flashbacks...

I deserve everything that I made up in my head.
I want to be with you. I want you to be able to handle me. I want you to hug me, to remember my favourite wine, to dream with me and to call unexpectedly. I want to do the same. I want to surprise you and to be surprised. I want to travel with you and to be able to travel alone without feeling guilty. I want to trust you and I want you to trust me.

I want you to once in a while hold my hand when we are driving. I want you to suggest to go to ballet and to wonder for no reason.
I want you to introduce me to your friends and to be proud of me. I want to say it like this - he is my prince charming and not make snobbish comments on top of that.

I miss that. I want to know how it would actually feel.

Not those little bought or cheated moment after which you manage to feel guilty because you can not give me more. Not those moments when I am teased to death to remember how it is like to be in highschool... but those excellent real things I cant wait to be awake for...

I want you to buy me a cupcake just because you know I like to surprised. I want you to take me on long weekends, on long walks and long dreams. Bubble baths and dinners where nothing is of as much importance.

I know you will.

Peace by peace is how I let go of you before I even get close to having any of this.

I cant stop you from coming into my life. Or my thoughts. I cant stop you from being there. I have a picture of you in my book of days and I have my days in your looks.
I wonder, would I be different now if I said no... Would I feel less lost and more happy? Would my books be fuller and my days less jumpy?

I never thought I'd like someone so far away from my reality. I never thought I would have to wash someone off my clothes every night I'd come home from their castles... I know now and I smile now. I dream.
I scream at night and I know -- I grow.
I wake up and it's still real.



And certainly I cant stop you from staying. You are already here. I just need to let you go to make sure you come back.

Full moon. Full cycle. Full days.


And you know what I wonder about when I talk to you here (because I am certain you can hear me!)..?! I wonder if my dreams are as real as my reality. And I cant wait. Because I know. I want the real thing. I want the real real feeling, and I know, no matter what distance I walk, it will only count if you are there on the other end.
Otherwise its just as usual.

The game I know how two play. Two men and a sweet little girl. I need to let you go to get you.

Because everything has to be balanced.

And I give myself permission to be me. Thats alright because I am too far in in this magic. And I cant even tell you all about it.

I am in flight.

You are in waiting.


Is it all the same? Is it gonna happen within? You show me pictures. I just watch.

And that's alright. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't make me wish for the life you had.

I've not been here before.

And that is so refreshing. Look -- this is me. The way I got. After all the break-ups, break-throughs... heart-breaks. Its a different game. I can still walk away. Still can.

lucid dreams

Are you kidding me?
Really? Is this the life and is this how it goes? Really?



I wish I was awake. I was afraid, I was petrified.. I am still looking for all those answers, for all those cute details.

Is it all about me?!...

Is it all about secrets, games, perplexed minds?
Or is it about you? About them (whoever they may be)?...






I wish. I wish this was a cutest ever lucid dream, my dearling.
Cara mia.
Save me all the pain. I want this to be real.

and here I go again?

and here they come again?
oh really? and i never wanted anything from you. except everything you had and what was left after that too.... i cant believe sometimes how life works. i have to check, to pinch, to measure -- the pulse, the breathing, the rythm...

And here I am in this waiting room for tomorrow. Where the night never sleeps and the day never waits. I know now how to handle the fear. I know now how to tame the beast.

They say things happen for a reason.

Or is this our own hearts trying to convince ourselves that whatever happens we are not wasting our times with prejudice about how useless it all is?
Is it not?
Say you dream about life with other kind of limits, other kinds of red lines to be crossed... What then? Is it better just to walk away from everything you've got and expect for something else?
What if you have done that already?....

I do wonder where is that line I wanted to cross once in a blue moon?... Did it sinck with my young dreams and never published poems...?. Did it stay with my lost luggage and never appeared to be found or even repaid by insurance company?

what if.....

And you know what?! WHy is it such a bad idea.. I am only this age and only this big and only that tall and only this annoying.
I want to feel what you advertise!
I want to be what you tell me to be
because then I am certain I will be 100% happier, 100% more beautiful and all much more in love and loved by my man. Or even if I don't have one just now, I will certainly meet one. May it be at a coffee shop or a bus stop, office or at a party.. its gonna be amazing. Amazing and out of this world experience.. and you know it.

I know though that after certain age you are being called ma'aam and madam. It pisses me off. It makes me want to change so many things about this world...
And what if I dont want to have kids?
What if I am ok the way I am --- I am ok to rent my flat, to be happy hear and not want to own any single thing?!...

What if I am happy just the way I am anyways?!

And what if I want to listen to those stupid songs and to actually dance naked in my house.. what if I want to have that feeling in my heart --- I simply dont know -- I simply dont know whats gonna happene. What if that hunk that makes me so happy now is going to stick around. I cant say it now one way or the other..



Sometimes I certainly dont know whats the point, whats the idea..
What if I dont know if I want to have kids.
Or husbands.
Or divorces for that matter....


dont you just miss that feeling?!?!? ---------------












freedom.

honest

Hey there! How are you? Its been a while.. I missed you. I missed being honest. I want to be honest. I want to pour my heart into that cup. If only it could hold it.
But I will try.

I always do anyways... anythin that might hold my heart

I am sure you remember. I keep smiling, I keep going and still know my boyfriend cheated on me. I know he told me. Just the next morning. I know I made decision to go through with it. To walk stright into my fear. To walk stright into something I thought nothing would happen to me. I know it hurt that time I know it still does. I know. Even though I love him. Even though I am so certain the wound is healing.
Is till feel that emptyness. I still feel that hollow sense of something so foreign I can hardly grasp.
Let me tell you about love.
Its something I think should come without condition, without reason or sense. And stay. Because right here, right now -- I know this love is something I am so full of. Half fun. Never half empty. And I wonder. I keep wonder -- how much longer all my wounds and all my fears are gonna follow me.


And yet again..
yes again I know it's something that within me. I was told yesterday -- why do you call it a hole. The name make a clown. And I shouldn't.
I should be happy.
I should be loved.
I am loved.
I am love.


I wonder and I sink. I sink into you. I try.

I try so really hard.

To stop. To stop myself.
To not do this again.
And again.
And again.
But I do.
But we do.
And it's all so so worth it.

I'd die for love, I know. I'd die for silly things. I've died for silly things. I've given myself up. I've given myself away.
And I am still here.
And I am still breathing.
Breathing into you.



Save me. Before it's too late. Safe me because I know I've saved myself.

Hoy el mar esta tranquilo

My sea is full of storms and hurricanes. Nights within the never quiet whirpools. Yet I seem not to notice.

It's most difficult to let go!... Most difficult is not to know, not to see, not to hear... It is the most difficult to see and be not able to help. He was twisting in his own thoughts, his own webs. And then he ran away. As if he was a hurting animal. I didn't have enough time to tell him. I didnt have enough guts to be brave!..

That never finished dance... The knots are untied yet they keep on holding. We run out of time together. Only towards different directions. So far I only need to pick up all the splinters, all the fragments. Fragments of a broken theater. Dead words are on the floor. My bora bora dream and our bermuda. We set the sails and eyes down.

For now that's it. I leave my visa in your passport. The knots are known know. Known is the way for forgiveness. There should be enough of sea shells, should be enough of coins.

head in the clouds

Well, my love, I'm trying to make sense of things...
of how I was, and how I am now.

I have always believed our first duty is to ourselves... to live life to the full.

But I have also been haunted by another conviction... that everything is preordained, lying in wait... and time is running out.

I seem to have charged through my life in a kind of panic. And looking back...
I feel I have achieved little of worth beyond our friendship: yours and mine, and Mia's.

Then one day I woke... and found I had lost the two people I cared for most. Only then did I begin to realize that we cannot live alone, aloof from the world... and that to believe we cannot fight
against fate is an act of surrender.

You were right when you said that once I cared for your opinion of me... but wrong in thinking I ever stopped caring.


I love you.

Some time ago.. don't even remember when exactly, I had to learn how to say goodbye. How to say farewell. Farwell to places, faces, emotions and very commonly - people. I guess you can't learn those things to the fullest. To that little red line mark... Sometime ago, don't even remember when, I had to learn of not letting go the trust in miracles. I still have to pinch myself to return that feeling. Those kind of feelings never are big. They simply land in your little pocket very close to the knowing that everything is going to be OK. Mornings are so fresh. White wind lifting even whiter curtains. And the city. It only becomes like that during the summer heat. Full of feeling, full of hope. Summer is the time for lovers. For kisses just before the train departs, newspapers full of nothing and coffee. All those little little things that promise better things to be coming...

unzip my body

The zipper of my soul. Big steps. Big blinking eyes. To my soul. And out. The winds of spring tears away the feeling. And all the steps become equal. Transparent time of moon. Liquid night wishes. I becomes yours all over again. And once again.
Unzip my body

Unzip my body

Take my heart out Everything is worthwhile while you believe. Everything is real while you can('t) touch it. Take my heart out

If you can be good, you’ll live forever
If you’re bad, you’ll die when you die

Who has deserved something more. Or only something. Who dreams of all the silences of the world in a blink of eternity. My bridesmaids are walking slowly. They put down the coins. They put down the thoughts, the dreams, unforgiven sins. For the future. For being saved. For ability to forget. And maybe - forgive.. Unzip my body...

counting down the days

This is spring. For me, for you. For the smokey bars with jazz and sun just ouside the door.
I don't remember how his hands look like. I dodn't remember the details when I feel it. I don't and it scares me. It scares me to the deepest darkest places of my soul.

A little bit of soul-searching. A little bit of sun. A little bit of nothing else matters when the moment is here.
I am not going away. I am staying here. So many years I was believing that if I will stay, people will come to me. Little flaw in the plan - people who come into the life, they also leave... Half around the world to be exact.

Therefore I am left with the spring. With the sun. And that jazzy emotion. The blue feeling. The blues. And mornings where the sun is already up while you are still so sleepy and all you wish is to bring the moment back. Embrace it. Not get scared. Don't run down the stairs so quickly. Hug harder, speak up and don't hide from that sun.


A search. Going to the other side of the emotion. To the other side of that coincidence. And what ifs become so touchable. So real...
Don't dream, don't lean and, don't forget..




On the other side of the sun.
One of these days. One of these lifetimes...

3.1

I dream of still sleepy morning. Perfect morning. Yet adrenalin dogs are still following me. And that eternal sun in the eyes. I remember it would feel like that in some days of my childhood. Little steps towards the undiscovered hope.
Unknown people find me. Again. Out of the feeling. Out of the eternal silence.

And the feeling is as if the dream is coming true. As if it was the last temptation of Judas. That this is for real and that the skin discovered the perfect sound of touching.

Everything is as if it was perfect.
Because I don't even remember that much. Everything passes. Dissolves faster than the clouds on the surface of the still water.

But the feeling is still there. The knowing that everything is continues. And I feel. And we do. And the knowing knits the knot.

To be continued.
Because the emotion remembers the silence. And the sun on the same surface of the same water.

We repeat the mantra. Second person in the reality que. Spinning city in someone elses palms. I open my eyes and can feel the sunlight. We remain friends. Like watching Formula One race cars moving at 30 km an hour. I open my eyes and the world is still here. Faster if you would think of rain.
Picture perfect loneliness.
Picture perfect. All three of them. Only one by one. For now. For a while. Because nothing goes. Nothing goes by. Nothing.
Because numbers that goes after comma are always (not) perfectly pictures a big maybe next to the peaceful knowing. Your and mine. And for me.